Losing my will power

FullSizeRender (10)In the last six months I’ve been on and off with my weight loss and it’s with a heavy heart that I admit I’ve put back on a stone. It’s really disheartening, I’ve just struggled to get back on the straight and narrow with my eating, and I’ve gone back to the old me – 2014 me – where I’d just eat bad things and not care. However, recently I’ve noticed the weight gain and it’s disgusting. How can you want something so badly but just do nothing about it?

I’ve lost my will power. I’ve lost my motivation, which is stupid because I’ve so many reasons to lose weight, so many goals and I really want to achieve them because my weight holds me back from so many things. I know that it may not come across that way to some, but internally I find difficulty with losts of aspects of my life and as I’m quite a private person it is difficult to admit it out loud. BUT I need to focus on what’s important and put myself back on the motivation train.

Tomorrow’s weigh-in may difficult for me, I may have even put back on more than a stone after the weekend of eating eggs and cake – my mum baked two cakes! But I’m planning to do my best to eat healthily and go to the gym. That’s all I need to do, adjust my eating and include a few gym sessions, I did it before, so why can’t I do it now?

My main issue was winter. Do you find you struggle in winter to stay motivated? They say that summer bodies are made in winter, but all I want to do is cuddle up on the sofa with a blanket, a tea and a film, and stay away from the cold. Now that the clocks have changed though, there’ll be more light in the evenings and I won’t be as much of a hermit – I hope.

I can sit and make a list of excuses as to why I’ve put this weight back on:

  • I’m a general comfort and boredom eater
  • Internal dilemma about my weight in terms of a relationship  – this is far too complicated to even touch upon
  • I’ve been stressed with work and tucking into the bad things around me, such as our treat corner and the cakes and goodies the avid bakers I work with bring in
  • FullSizeRender (11)I’ve rebelled against a person who has said ‘should you be eating that?’ and my response is, ‘Yes I can eat whatever I fucking want’. This is something I’ve done for years, being criticised is not something I take well
  • I’ve not enjoyed the colder weather
  • I’ve been tired a lot – mostly because I’ve not been eating the right things
  • I’ve been trying to blog which takes up time – it does when I’m motivated
  • I’ve been busy most weekends so it’s hard to eat well
  • I’ve been visiting my parents and it’s hard to eat well there because I’m surrounded by temptations
  • Work trips means I have to eat three courses (sometimes six or nine courses) and I’m obliged to do so. I can’t review somewhere and not eat the food?
  • Travel on these trips can mean early mornings and long train journeys and therefore snacking
  • I can’t be bothered to cook, and deal with the mess of washing up
  • I can’t be bothered to socialise and just want to go to my room rather than cook

But these are just pathetic, right? Having written that I think to myself do I actually want this. How can I let these things get in the way, they are just excuses and I do want this.

I don’t often do honest posts, as I said, I’m quite private. You can be my best friend in the world and you’d only know the things I wanted you to know and I’d never tell you the whole truth. Most of my known feelings are fairly superficial, I’m angry at a person for being selfish, I’m angry at a person for not being good at their job, whether that’s someone I work with or someone in a shop who has just served me. So these types of posts don’t come easy, however last year, in my year of progress, I made myself accountable and I found that it worked. I really threw myself into it and I saw changes. Real changes.

My circumstances were different last year, I was in a strange place and I sought out exercise as a way of grieving so to speak, but I’m more relaxed now. The grieving process is over and I’m in a better place mentally. Kinda wish I still felt that way though as then I’d be heading to the gym right now instead of feeling like crap.

IMG_3612So it is easy for me to say it was different before, but it wasn’t really. I still had the internal struggles, I still had the same goals, I just had a distraction last year and exercise made me happier as it took my mind off of things – plus you know, the endorphin’s.

I’m looking at today as a new day, and even a new chapter. I need this. No more dillydallying.

I think I’m going to do more accountability posts, it puts things in perspective.



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